Picking Up Girls And What I Did To Get A Girlfriend

I had just finished my sophomore year at Harvard College and I had turned 20 years old.  I declared my concentration (Harvard's way of saying "major") in physics and I was already planning on becoming a physicist with my first astrophysics research position lined up for the summer.  Most things in my life seemed to have been set.

Now, college is an interesting time for nerds.  I don't know if their hormones kick in later or they succumb to social pressure to be more sexually active (since even the other nerds are engaging in the activity) but something magical happens.  They've had the feelings before but now they seem to be strong enough to actually take the necessary steps to put their desires into action.

Like many other skills in life, attracting your desired mates is probably easier the earlier you pick it up.  You gain more confidence with a head start over your competition and can build on that momentum.  For many others, that can be discouraging and can benefit from training wheels to get them started and maybe even catch up to their "natural" peers.

After my spring semester, I did some research and downloaded a PDF of The Game by Neil Strauss (aka Style) and another of The Mystery Method by Erik Von Markovik (aka Mystery), Strauss' mentor and friend.  I was blown away by their stories and the techniques they used to seduce hundreds of women.  Probably the most counterintuitive thing mentioned was that being a nice guy will not work for a lot of the "AFCs" (Average Frustrated Chumps) first starting out because they will come off as being needy, desperate, and trying too hard to please.  Don't buy her a drink unless she buys you one first and use "neg hits" (or "negs) to bring her down so that she perceives you to be higher value than she is.  They even had a list of "canned openers" which were scripts that helped you "open" "sets."  In fact, they laid out every single step to get you from overcoming your "approach anxiety" (use the 3-Second Rule) to get you to talk to your "target" to finally getting her into bed with you (via "kino escalation").  There were a whole bunch of routines that included cold reading, magic, demonstrations of higher value (DHV), humor, and seductive word-play.  (If you are really interested in the two books mentioned above, just message me on Facebook.)

(These books led to an explosion of literature and advice in the pickup artist (PUA) community online and in bookstores.  There was even a show on VH1 dedicated to commercialize The Mystery Method.  It was very similar to weight loss reality shows except these were socially inept geeks who had trouble meeting women and their goal was to become socially competent and meet attractive women.)

There definitely are lots of advice that can help men gain confidence but I think some of it gets

misconstrued and ends up hurting people along the way.  For example, a lot of these men learn that unfortunately a man does not have to be nice to get laid.  In fact, there are many women who are very attracted to the "bad boys" and can get abused by them.  The "don't be nice" advice may work for some but if you are a nice guy and are genuine and sincere about it, then be that person.  I painfully learned that much later in life.

After all that rambling, I will explain what I actually did.  I started easily by fixing my physical appearance.  I asked a very attractive female friend of mine to go clothes shopping with me.  She was happy to help me and I probably spent over $500 dollars in one day at the Galleria Mall when we went.  Did I end up loving everything that I bought?  Not quite, but it was a major improvement from what I was wearing before.  I actually had some nice casual button up shirts, nice shoes, stylish jeans, and they all fit me pretty well.  The days of always wearing free T-shirts, baggy pants, and worn-out sneakers were over (to some extent).

Next, I found a good hair stylist.  Advice: Get a gay man to style your hair.  I realized that my glasses were pretty lame but I didn't want to buy expensive frames so I made a habit of wearing contact lenses more regularly.  I slouched a lot so I fixed my posture by standing up straighter by keeping my back more upright.  I also brought my shoulders back and my chest out.  That alone made me feel way more confident and I am still a strong believer in using your body to boost your confidence.  I also continued to workout but I focused more on cosmetics instead of strength (e.g. emphasis on sarcoplasmic muscular hypertrophy and lower body fat).

I practiced smiling and laughing more when I went out and met new people.  I came off as being more

approachable and socially intelligent by simply doing that and talking more.  I even felt happier.  I also incorporated being more touchy-feely instead of cold and physically distant.  I got into the habit of hugging more frequently and just being warmer in general.  This was also when I began to drink more alcohol in social settings but I would always keep the portions in control as I was advised to not get drunk while "in field."  To this day, I advocate sober pickups and hookups over drunken ones.  I think the connection is more authentic and meaningful that way, as nature intended.  Plus, you probably don't want to regret what you did while drunk.

Then on the first day of my junior fall semester, I met someone through a close mutual friend.  She was almost the complete opposite of me.  Specifically, all of the social cues that I had to learn and constantly remind myself as a twenty-year-old she knew naturally.  Initially, I was not too interested in her but I thought that I should practice some of the techniques I read up on her.  In retrospect, I got pretty lucky and she did a bit of work to make things happen between us like inviting me to watch a movie with her in her room where I first held her hand with no one around.  Even that was a big step for me.

One night, we agreed to go out for a walk (I think for a B. Goode burger).  Upon returning to the dorm, I invited her to sit next to me in the empty JCR (junior common room) where there was a grand piano.

 She played for a bit and then I played something for her (I can't remember what it was).  A very important lesson I learned that night is that the piano is a marvelous instrument for building attraction.  I never imagined as a child that getting women would be the payoff for all those lessons my mother signed me up for.  Then I recall that she told me something extremely personal about her life.  This was when I learned my next important lesson for the night.  When a woman opens up to you by telling you something very deep and personal which is often associated with a great amount of pain, she is exposing her vulnerability to you and trusting you; in short, it's a sign that she really likes you.  I don't remember exactly what I said but I was emotionally supportive and made her laugh a little and I took what I thought was a risk by kissing her.

What I didn't realize was that first kiss had me "pair-bonded" (to borrow from sociobiology) so strongly that I couldn't sleep that night and the next day I couldn't focus on anything else except her.  Escalating physically only left me more bonded towards her and I remember I was on an emotional roller coaster until the end of that year.  I acted like someone on highly addictive drugs.  When I was happy, I was euphoric; when I was unhappy, I was depressed.  After the relationship, I was "in withdrawal" and I had to go through a lot to distract myself and maintain my self-esteem.  Sometimes, "building character" is rather unpleasant.

Honestly, I don't think anyone could have given my younger self much advice.  Some of life's most important lessons are learned very painfully.  The truth is that almost everyone experiences this and many come out stronger and wiser than before.  Maybe some scarring takes place, but with time the pain can fade away.  My father told me that he used to be in a seven year relationship with his first fiancée but they broke up not long after the engagement; when I asked him if he still thought about it, he said that after five, ten, twenty years the heartaches and even a lot of the memories disappear.  Those feelings and hardships eventually pass and life goes on with more love and joy ahead so never lose hope.

Atheism And Its Misconceptions

PART I: Atheism Versus Antitheism

Atheism is "the non-belief of deities."  That is it.  People confuse it with antitheism which is "the active opposition to theism."  Most atheists are not trying to push some sort of anti-religious agenda to crusade against religious people; they simply do not care and think about religion in their day-to-day lives.  The media creates a distorted image of atheists as secular zealots whose bible is The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins.

The mere fact that we have the word "atheist" is a tad bizarre since we do not have labels for people who do not believe in other things.  If you do not believe in astrology, you do not think to call yourself a non-astrologer even though that is what you are.  Just as the non-astrologer does not wake up in the morning thinking "I'm so glad I'm a non-astrologer," atheists do not wake up in the morning thinking the same about atheism.  However, we have this word "atheism" because theism is so ubiquitous and important.

My guess is that most atheists can be easily converted to Christianity.  Most are not aware of the arguments for and against the existence of God.  I think this is why Christianity relatively successfully spread among many previously non-theistic Asian populations (e.g. Korean, Chinese).  I would not be surprised if Christianity is such a powerful meme that it becomes the dominant belief system for ages to come.  That is not to say that it cannot evolve because it certainly does mutate into different strains which can become new denominations.

However, the New Atheism immediately following 9/11 is different from regular atheism.  This brand is the antitheism that many religious Christians and Muslims associate with atheism.  This actually IS a meme since it is a positive belief.  It is a form of strong atheism where one believes that deities do not exist.  Most atheists are weak atheists who do not believe in the existence of deities; the difference is subtle but there.

PART II: Moral Atheists

Atheism itself has no morality.  It is a blank slate.  However, there have been plenty of atheistic moral philosophies (sometimes classified as religions) such as the non-theistic branches of Taoism, Buddhism, Confucianism, and even Judaism.  There are also morals built into every culture from the family, tribe, nation, and (perhaps) planet.

Atheists are perfectly capable of being moral and theists are perfectly capable of being immoral.  There are debates about whether atheists are more or less moral than theists but debates that directly address resolving real moral problems themselves may be more productive.  For example, we should debate nuclear proliferation, economics, public education, democracy, gun control, drug regulation, et cetera.

I believe that science and reason can be very powerful tools that can help us determine how to best solve the problems we face in the world today.  The Abrahamic religions can as well but they contain a lot of baggage (e.g. homophobia, xenophobia, misogyny among significant portions of their texts and members).  They lack the flexibility and clarity to provide conclusive, productive solutions to the issues brought about by accelerating technological progress.

That said, the power of almost all religions is the ability to discipline and control large masses of individuals and there are benefits to this incredible power.  This order was able to provide the means for civilizations to advance.  Human beings have many "flaws" from their evolutionary history; by nature, we are extremely violent, lascivious, and selfish.  If there is no way to scare and shame them, the world could be extremely chaotic and science may worsen the human condition until we destroy ourselves.  I do think that in this department, the New Atheists do not give enough to credit to religions.  They may not be perfect, but it has the necessary ingredients to preserve certain civilizations without killing too many people in order to replicate those memes.

At the same time, I do realize that religious extremists like the Taliban go too far and are an example of religious belief creating more harm than good.  If they get ahold of truly potent weaponry, the world may be in severe danger.  Measures should be made to weed out such destructive memes.

PART III: Closing Thoughts

Like it or not, Christianity, Islam, and other religions are important.  However, the New Atheism, secular humanism, and other non-religious movements are also important.  People should be free to believe, say, and do what they want as long as they do not impinge upon the freedoms of others.  I have my personal beliefs on these complicated matters but I do not necessarily think that the world would be better if theism completely disappeared and everyone had my secular worldview.